"For You O Lord are a shield about me, You are the glory and lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

"For You O Lord are a shield about me, You are the glory and lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

Sunday, November 1, 2015

On Letting Go

The last meal I had with my daddy was baked breaded chicken.  I remember his wife soaking it in buttermilk before drudging it in the flour and breadcrumbs.  It was all I could do to keep it together until the end of the night.  History and memory bring pain to the present, we draw from what was to what is now and sometimes it hurts deep.  I watched him sit there so frail and at the end of his life, pained to sit and watch because he was a master at grilling and in all my childhood years I can't remember chicken being cooked other than on a grill.  But chemo doesn't pay attention to life rhythms and traditions, it changes things, even the littlest things.  And for my heart to take in someone else in my kitchen unaware how this was painful, this soaking chicken in buttermilk.  How silly, what does it matter?  Well now I don't understand the inner workings of a heart that grieves but I know for some reason it's taken me almost 7 years to soak some chicken in buttermilk and this past week I did, and silly it may be, it did my heart good.  When we push through that part where our flesh runs out and we have nothing left and the choice of being swallowed by darkness or lost in His love presents itself, and you take it.

For today, the inevitable lies ahead and I'm tempted to forget the altars I've built to turn around and remember His goodness and instead read into the vault of seemingly unanswered prayers and devastation.  The place the enemy loves to pull the hopeful into so that eventually you don't climb out and you quit contending and asking for the impossible.  That vulnerable place in need of rebuilding and desperate to glisten with hope, that Lord I asked you for life and found myself watching death, believed you for protection and the mess of destruction was more than I could bare.  Trusting and knowing He works all things for good for those called according to His purpose and yet when you find yourself on the edge of that cliff about to jump, doubt diligently attempts to creep in and the battle resumes.  Not of flesh and blood but the spiritual realms of darkness and forces of the enemy.  I find myself here and now, remembering being here months ago on this new path.  How soon it came and my heart not expecting to be here for many more months on this foster care journey.

Letting go.

I'll just say it and pose the question, the thing I'm asked the most besides "Are you going to keep him?" and that is the query, more so the statement "How do you let them go? I just couldn't let them go."  We're a year into this battle and my response is the same and I would be lying if I didn't admit I ask myself the same question.  I have been here before, we have been here before only this time I know the pain and grief coming.  The answer hasn't changed and I don't expect it to.
Me either.  I can't let them go either.  It's as hard and sad as you think it is.  Only more.

But let's go ahead and complicate things because foster care is so far from simple, just as any good thing worth fighting for is.  You're blind sighted, ill-equipped, weak, tired, and immature on this battle field yet the darkness comes, the arrows don't cease and holding up that shield of faith is exhausting.  The inevitable approaches, we signed the dotted line to say we are willing to get really good at letting go, we're actually in this to let go.  I don't want to get good at it.  And your name on that paperwork signs you up for the commitment to heart ache, the unknown, and this harsh reality of a dark world.  All delivered without warning or protocol.

Walking in the grocery store, working through my list and the phone rings.  We heard time lines earlier in the process, he will be with you for awhile.  Paper work for adoption so a forever family can come for him while he waits with us, well that takes time so we do our part of the stacks of documents meant to be filled out by his mama only she's long gone and not coming back for him, she just can't.  So you pour another cup of coffee and you put his precious life on paper, on a file in hopes the diagnosis and the medical reports don't scare anyone off.  And somewhere between us being told that it's a long process and with this baby it's not even guaranteed he will be wanted, until that mid store glance at my list, the phone rings.  A family member coming forward to adopt him, get him ready, he's leaving soon.

And those words are about as gut wrenching and foreign as I imagined they would be.  You see, you're the one in the NICU, signing papers and bringing him home into your world.  You're the one who pushes through the fears of how deep I go in love is how deep it will hurt when he leaves.  Loving him will fill him up and loving him will empty you and cost you everything.  Hours of phone calls, emails, visits and correspondence and all along you're determined to bring this in close, so that the ones invested deep remember this is a human life here, not a docket number or a statistic.
Your mind runs parallel with the realities at hand and your heart struggles to keep up and lead in truth.  Because His truth is truly the only anchor in this.  We can only love because He first loved us.

So take that love and run with it, have the hard conversations, tread into unknown waters and push down how scared you are because that whispering fear, the enemy's unending lies are waiting for my weakness.  And when the system again shows you how it's broken and overwhelmed, you have the choice of where to land on the spectrum.  I can do the bare minimum and just change his diapers, feed him, and swaddle for bed time.  I can truly wash my hands and draw up the list of why and how this complicates and shakes up my every convenience and after a few sleeps forget about it and move on. I can fall somewhere in the middle, catch myself holding him at arms length and yet wanting to let him deeper into my soul.  And then I can sell out.  I can understand the truth that in order to fill him full of everything he needs that means the emptying of me, of us.  A high cost.  A bounty on my time, energy, sleep, emotion, and nothing is unscathed.  If I'm honest and think for every foster parent, with each child, it's different and you find yourself somewhere on that spectrum throughout the process.  And I think it's okay, I think you give what you can and you know your limitations because the further deep you get, someone and something pays the price.

Which brings me back to the letting go, someone asked me what it feels like to let go.  What does it truly feel like when no one is watching, there's no glam or glory, when you do all the work only to have no rights, no legal leg to stand on, only to let them go?  I would say it begins with the day you decide where you're going to start on the spectrum.  Once you get past the decision that you're not going to guard your heart with the thought that this is only temporary, once you decide you're all in...well that's the moment you've chosen a deep, foreign ache like no other.  And that ache will show itself in various and unexpected ways.  There's no prep or professional delivery for the hard conversations.  You're walking into a dinner banquet only to stand in a parking lot fighting back tears on the phone because these babies are moved like luggage and when you swing to the other end of the spectrum and fight like you would fight for your own kids, there's no settling and you grit your teeth to find a compromise.  Then you dry your eyes and compose yourself and walk back into your reality.

Then one day you get a date, the day he will leave and although you hope you will see him again, something deep inside says this could be it.  Mind races and so quickly you can come up with a long list of your worst fears and worse case scenarios.  The statistics roll through your head like clock work, the evening news doesn't help, and you hush the alarms sounding off that keep you up at night.  Your mind doesn't want to settle down and your heart grasps for solid ground.

Oh how the enemy can feed the lies faster than I can ingest them.  The whispers that it's his territory and I'm playing a game I'll never win.  That no part of this can yield hope or life because his darkness blankets all over this reality and nothing can save this sinking ship.  Hopelessness, depression, discouragement, and fear rule the day.

That's what we buy into when we lose our gaze of the One who uses him as a footstool.

Letting go means a desperate yes to the Lord to come comfort and bring peace beyond our understanding.  A chance to learn, to know quickly when I'm leaning on my own thoughts and strength it brings me closer to the lies awaiting to swallow me whole, and this baby too.  Clinging to the Lord's word and declaring His promises as this baby's hope and future.  It's sitting your kids down over cookies and telling them as simply as you can that he is leaving, that their love is enough, that soon they won't be sad anymore.  It's a desperate running start to stay enough ahead of them because they follow your lead and look to you for how to handle it.  So mama you had better be filling your cup every morning in the dark early hours.  You had better contend for your flesh to decrease and immeasurable increase of God's presence because it's the only thing that sees you through this release that's coming soon.

And then from downstairs I hear your coos, you're awake and you are ready for a bottle, ready for a love so deep and strong, and a goodbye coming in the weeks ahead.  So I'll rock you in the rocker my mama cuddled me in and I'll tell you my love for you, our love for you.  You need to hear it, you are worth it all.

Dear Little One, because that day will come when I've packed you up and kissed you a thousand times.  And my heart and mind flashback to the day I walked into that NICU and sobbed just looking at your little body, the way I couldn't see the print on the hospital discharge summary of the delivery room through my tears.  How desperate we were to just get you home and into a family.  How the daily appointments overwhelmed because you needed so much care and help.  I bathed you and breathed you in long and deep, your soft curls and sweet eyes.  In a few weeks I'll buckle you in and tuck the blanket around your little legs one last time.  I'll watch you in the mirror at every stop light and cry out to the Lord to go before you, He just has to go before you.  I'll drive you to her house and watch her face light up to see you, she loves you and she's waited for you, for this day.  Steaming hot tears will continuously flow and I'll try to put words together, closing remarks, last minute details to stall the moment and try to fill the empty space in the moment, the empty space quickly growing in my heart.  I'll tell her to call me whenever she needs me, I'll be here in a second.  I'll lay down my life for this precious one,  for you my Little One.  Then it's time, time for you to start your life with her and time for me to leave.  I'll fumble my keys into the ignition and pull away, I'll watch you in the rear view mirror as long as I can and weep.  I'll weep over you because you are the most valuable in the kingdom and you are a son of the most high King.  I'll grieve letting you go because it goes against everything in a human heart to bring in deep only to release into the unknown.
Oh my Little One, tonight I will climb into my bed and your crib will be empty and so is my heart, our hearts.  Tomorrow His mercies will be new and He will restore and heal our hearts.  Eventually I'll quit thinking I hear you, I'll wash and put your clothes away, I'll try not to cry when I stumble to answer how many kids I have, I have 5 no...4 kids.

And my little one, from the minute we brought you home you would hear your daddy's voice and you would slowly move your head towards the sound, the low tones of him talking to the girls, talking to you, talking to me.  In the night I hear Him reveal promise to me over you, dear little one.  It's how you were made and how you will always be, a listener, a hearer of the Shepherd's voice.
You will be a lover of His presence, a worshipper and a carry of His goodness and hope.
You will always yearn and lean into hear His voice, your Father's voice.
You will always wait and move into His good plans for your life.
You will always be loved and you will never be forgotten.

Little one, this is the hard part.  Letting you go, please know it was never easy for us but we love you and trust He loves you more.  That He will tuck you in under His wings and be your tower you can run into.  We love you precious one and we always will.

When we're ready and soon we will be ready, we will remember faintly this deep pain and we will say yes again because yet again, a little life will lay and wait.  This new struggle on letting go, we trust you over and over that when it's unthinkable and we have nothing left, You carry us further and exceed where we thought we could go.  Jesus how You give us courage to love deeply, soak chicken in buttermilk, have hope when it's hopeless, wait in expectancy, and let go.

So tonight we will count down the hours and wait for you to come back home after your visit with her.  Soon she will be your mama but not yet, not today.  Today and every day coming you will be loved and adored not just by us and our world but by your heavenly Father who sees you and knows you.  Letting you go is coming and we know it but tonight you are ours, you always will be ours.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

With Every No

Years ago I remember the first time I bought Dreft infant laundry detergent.  A new found love of the smell in my laundry room, on her body, and in drawers when I opened them.  I would have never guessed that one day I would stand in line buying detergent again only this time it wasn't for a baby in my womb but for one whose needs are so great we don't even know where to begin.  That if the signs are missed and the situation is overlooked and he leaves for home with her, he doesn't live and if he does the wounds and neglect begin early.

The last time I was here, Christmas was around the corner, a bitter cold had settled in, school was almost out and then came that late night phone call.  We know nothing about this baby, we know you're an open home, qualified and certified.  Will you take this baby knowing nothing?  Qualified and certified on paper but no part of me knows how to do this hard thing.
A yes offered up trusting in His character so certain and sovereign.  He knows all and sees all.  He knows this little babe desperate to live and he knows and sees a family waiting in the unknown of what their yes actually gets them into.  Because we trust Him and we cling to promises like we never have, but just like anyone who steps off a plane in Asia, Africa, Tulsa; to bring her home, to be the family she doesn't have, you don't know what's on the other side of that yes.  You don't know how long it will last or the cost that you can't possibly count.

I've heard the question so many times, just how exactly does it work?  How does foster care work?  Do you get to pick your child?  Do you hear their story first, do details come with the heart ache?
It's nothing glamorous in fact it's overwhelming and gut wrenching.  It's a phone call while you're unloading groceries, making dinner, running carpool.  Usually the age, gender, possibly a name followed by a few sentences.  A life that easily fits on a post-it note because much if not everything is unknown.  You make your decision of yes or no and give your answer, then within hours or days that child is in your home, or they're not.  Then life resumes without a pause.  After time one child leaves your care and as soon as you're ready, that phone rings and it doesn't stop.  A one year old removed from a drug infested house a county away, twin baby girls picked up for abuse a few hours away, a young teen mama and her newborn need a safe place.  The need is so vast where do we begin?  Lord, give me blueprints like Noah because the rains coming will swallow me whole if I don't know my best yes and my no isn't gripped in peace and confidence of my capacity, our capacity.  Because with every phone call we say no to, she waits and she sits longer in that place of upheaval and a rug yanked out from under innocence so fast their little hearts struggle to keep up with the new commanded processing speed.  And they close shelters saying the problem is better when all the while those numbers keep soaring, abuse and neglect on the rise and yet today I still said no.

So go to sleep with that, settled into my comfortable bed, clean sheets and a pantry full of food.  Those babies upstairs all safely tucked in, night lights and stuffed animals secure them.  A calendar tomorrow I laugh to think is actually busy when really, it's nothing compared to this pace of violence, abandonment, removal, and displacement trumping anything I think is oh so busy and crazy.  She leaves with nothing, maybe a few things in a trash bag and waits for the other end of the phone to say yes even though she comes with great sacrifice, challenge, and pain.

And so you wrestle with that yes, what's my yes and Jesus help me know it clearly and allow me to be unwavering in commitment when the rains do come, because they're coming on all sides.  The fight and the roller coaster of this dark reality.  Give me specifically the very thing You are asking of me and when we do say yes, that yes is the bare minimum of what we can hardly handle, pour out Your grace because it's needed more than ever.

So that placement acceptance to bring in a child is given like a free fall off a cliff into realms I don't know, don't want to know about, and can't hardly stomach to think about.  I like it comfortable.  I like my head in the clouds, I like caught up in me, I like my systems untouched and my iCal color coded into rhythms and complete order.  I don't miss the pull on my heart in the lull of the night when I think about what she came from or where she may return, or the siblings before who didn't survive the boyfriend who couldn't stand the inconvenience of noise and crying.  The stakes are high and the value of these precious lives can't stand to have anything but relentless fight for their highest and best.

Today we said yes.  The phone call came that she was born and needed a home.  No information, nothing certain about what this little life needs or how long she needs it.  Days, weeks, months, years, or forever?  You learn her and she learns you.  The voice she heard for months in the womb is gone and this new voice is unfamiliar.  Lord Jesus make it the sweetest sound to her.  With every feeding, every diaper change, every bath, be her Gardener that plants seeds that don't return void.  Speak when she sleeps, whisper Your unending delight and affection over her.  Made in Your image and workmanship, You were there weaving her into existence.  Knit together perfectly and the destiny planned for is good.  Tell me what she needs and tell me how to do it.  Tell us when to fight loud and tell us when to weep in secret.  Forgive us for the continuous shortcomings and messes this will bring to the surface in our identity, go before us and give us the daily bread we are desperate for.  Apart from You we are nothing and with you we can't lose, and neither can she.  And as we cling to the garments or praise won't You come and be Rescuer, defender of the oppressed and orphaned.  Pull out the claws of darkness from this little life and be the lifter of heads, hope to the hopeless.  Be who You promise to be in his life, in this yes.  And with every no we gave, bind up those innocent lives and protect them from every scheme aimed at their destiny.  Be the watchman who tucks them in at night and speaks truth into their hearts, shielding them from pain and sorrow.  I trust You, I have to.

Over and over we will say we trust You in all things at all times.  For today a desperate dependence for the constant struggle between letting her in, pulling in her close because it's what she needs, all she needs.  And the knowing that we've been here before, and when you love a baby so deep and they leave without you having a say.  Well now that just makes your heart ache, a foreign ache different than I've ever known.  Sitting in a parking lot the other day, knowing the choice was waiting for my heart to make, quicker than last time.  That moment when you make the choice, because it is a choice, that says I'm going to love you, love doesn't come half way or remain reserved to protect my heart, our hearts.  This new love comes with such a high price and daily battle of the fear of the unknown and the control I so desperately desire.  Some days it's all I can think about and other days I don't know that I can handle this, in fact I know I can't handle this.

Trusting that with every no that lead us to her yes, the Father knew and continues to know the path bringing us to her hospital bassinet and equally parallel drawing us to Himself.
It's so simple, You tell me, she needs to know she's valuable, that her cries are heard, that she's worth protecting and fighting for.  And then you choose to love her and love her deep.

Mama you had better know what undeserving grace feels like to the touch and understand the mess you've stepped into wasn't yours to create but it will get you dirty and bring a whole new meaning to the word complicated.  Because I've got school supplies lined up, backpacks monogrammed with her initials because I begged for her life and the first time I saw her face years ago I thought my heart would burst.  Soccer practice carpools in the works and dance shoes have been bought, and then you sit on my couch with your stack of paperwork, a name on a file, and ask me if I want to adopt her.  And those words just nearly bring everything to a crashing halt.  What's your answer?  I was just debating on what to cook for dinner and grocery lists and now this question lingers in silence in my living room.  Jesus did you hear what she just asked because we're talking her forever here.  Mercy, Father help me because I need Your will to be done, I need Your nearness like never before, a swift audible response.  Silence.  Let go of the tight grip of control and pour out Your grace, be still my heart because my mind is racing.

In the background the television chirps, tax payers money and supreme court time spent on athletes to determine whether or not they're doping, deflating footballs for man's praise and a golden statue that says they're supreme for some performance.  Million dollar mansions on multiple states and continents.  Red carpets with perfection praised and mishaps ridiculed, the famous hand stitched dress goes for the same price some broken mama somewhere tried to sell her baby for just so she can get high.  While the least of these wait and suffer in a silence so dark I can't fathom the sounds and images they see daily.  While mamas leave hospitals empty handed and where is she when her milk comes in but she's failed so many times her chances are gone.  Someone please tell me why it even becomes a topic of conversation, a headline story of whether or not his bat was loaded and did he receive bribes from a collegiate booster because right now I know she was rescued but her mama slips back into the devil's grip and on this couch I sit and I can't hardly put words together.  What does my no mean if I give it here?  Is my yes the thing You are asking me today?

Jesus come swift and speak clearly because the need suffocates and the darkness doesn't end.
Come in close and say what she needs and what You need us to be.  Be in this conversation and make Your mighty mark on this paper work.  Just tell me what to do, please.

So that washing machine spins and I take in that subtle, familiar scent.  I hold this little life and watch her clothes spin around and I fight back tears, the weeping that awaits every day.  I can't do this, we can't do this.  I'm not strong enough, wise enough, in tune enough.  I can't juggle this load of being this strong man's helpmate, their mama present to know she scored a goal left footed instead of right, and notice her reading score went up a point.  Don't forget the piles of laundry not going anywhere, a house needing cleaning, and the beautiful gift of each day.  And make decisions for this little one that will affect the rest of her life.  Decipher what's immediate, what's most important, what's the highest need right now.

Wait for the whisper of hope and don't forget the grace that awaits because it's only by His grace that we are, any of us.  Grab hold and cling to garments of praise and don't lose sight of His face, not even for a moment.  Jesus say it to me over and over again that the only thread that keeps me from losing the fight of overwhelming realization of her reality is Your mighty vine that reaches deep into our hearts and breathes life in when we can't take a breath.  Speak the words to my mind and vision into my heart so that when my mouth opens it's only your will.  Quiet my flesh and silence the justice turned angry when I hear her mama's story and every story before and after this one.  When their choices devour the innocent and lay out a welcome mat for the horrifically unimaginable, remind me Lord of the grief my sin causes You.  Remind me how thousands of years ago she stood in the city courtyard surrounded by the crowd baring stones in their hands, ready to hand her the punishment she deserved.  Remind me how Your Son walked onto the scene with the challenge to cast the first stone to any who are without sin.  Keep my heart soft when it hardens with judgment and disgust.

And tonight Jesus please bring the innocent your mighty wing and take them up with you when the ones who are meant to lay down their life for them are the very ones shattering their worlds.  Be who You say You are, please You just have to be.  When I close my eyes only let your truth run circles around my thoughts and quiet the fear so so readily waits to haunt.
We will declare you are trustworthy.
You are good.
You are the strong tower the righteous with desperation run into.
You are the One who navigates through our pain and sorrow to bring hope to the hopeless places.

Would You come put only Your powerful truth in my mouth and write Your promises deep into our hearts.  We can't do this, we know we can't.  Come be the strength in our weakness.

Would You come.
 Isaiah 51:16
I have put my words in your mouth and covered with you the shadow of my hand,
I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth,
and who say to Zion 'you are My people.'

Saturday, May 30, 2015


In the middle of the night I tear off the covers and shoot out of my bed.  Some nights to frantically turn on lamps and stumble to the middle of the room, sometimes mumbling, other times screaming and crying.  I'm looking for him.  In the dream almost every night, we've forgotten him, left him somewhere.  Eventually I come to and realize the nightmare isn't real.  I climb back into bed.  It was just a bad dream, now go back to sleep.  And by now I know better, I know this fear that lies dormant and then makes its way out in my subconscious.  Who will fight for him, will he be discarded, forgotten, or my worst fear, unprotected?
The dream isn't real but the fear is.  So turn over and go back to sleep, everything is okay I tell myself over and over, oh how I want everything to just be okay.

That man of mine, I wish I could've known over a decade ago when he shook my hand for the first time that one day, years later he would take my hand and carry this torch.  A burning flame for the defenseless and hopeless, the ones who suffer in silence.  A need so vast, so great that we don't even know where to begin.  Hands that picked me up when a broken heart collapses strength.  He's made of steel, I'm convinced.  He has to be.  He was made for this moment when our yes is a release and that very moment of letting go takes you to your knees.  Hearts weren't made for bringing in babies and then letting them go when they're not ready, when what's highest and best was never the priority for the authoritative mouthpieces making these decisions.

He tells me how he hears me crying myself to sleep at night, waking up constantly because sleep is so light when you're on the brink of letting go.  You wake up weeping because at the earliest of consciousness you remember what's coming.  And watching that sweet baby boy on the monitor upstairs, he doesn't know what's coming.  And those precious girls of mine sleeping under rose twinkle lights on floral sheets, they don't truly realize it either.  We can make transition plans and process heavily the details of what's coming but really, there's no preparation possible to convey to your heart what's about to happen.  For us it goes beyond a goodbye, that part of the process we signed up for.  It's not just the fact that he's leaving.  More than that, it reaches into placements, environments that yield deep grief.  And although I don't digest the lie, I see it dangled in front of me, everything we've worked for and done.  The path he journeyed on into this world and how it was completely shifted that winter's day when we brought him into our family.  By the Lord's goodness, a course drastically altered and a new one illuminated.

Has it all been for nothing?

I know this answer, Truth gives me the explanation.  No, of course not.  But tell that to the grief and the what ifs waiting in the shadows, ready with scenarios of how this plays out.

Weeping at stoplights and carpool lines doesn't get you anywhere and it won't keep that white state department car from coming down the hill.  The heart doesn't comprehend and the tears flow anyways with a constant nausea that can't be quenched.  You're just near sick to your stomach at the sight of it all.  Because that phone kept ringing, meetings, and court hearings with a steady stream of pushback, supervisors and policy trumps all.  And I couldn't handle their job for a second and I dig deep to believe the best in them but it doesn't reconcile in my mind, not today.  Conversations and confrontation on policies, we went down fighting hard and we would do it again in a heartbeat.  Labels on a chart, on my profile, that I'm too involved, a picture painted that I'm crazy because we stood and will always stand upright.
Come on now, bring it on.  Because I can handle the gossip and my name being drug through the mud.  I can handle the conflict and backlash when refusal to follow suit into a cut and pasted solution yields a fight.

But I can't handle slipping back into my comfortable world while he crawls through this battle without me.  I can't handle the reality these babies wake up to before they can say a word and cry for help.  I can't stomach the policy and functions of a system whose imperfections come with a price tag that the innocent pay.  Because babies don't belong in the back of state department cars flying up and down that highway.  They don't belong in that lobby waiting on visitation, maybe mama is coming and maybe she's too broken to take a step towards love.  Sitting on my lap waiting day after day, week after week, for her to come and see who he is and yet she never comes.  How does a mama leave a treasure there waiting and not come?
And they don't belong belong in the back of those other cars, the ones with cigarette smoke pouring out, loud music drowning out their cries, maybe buckled in and maybe not, driven by carelessness and pain into homes and realities so dark.  No twinkle lights, no video baby monitors, and no daily baths.  The violence and neglect funnels them into a system I'm grateful for and at the same time we now fully grasp the brokenness of those trying to clean up the messes they didn't make.  We're dealing with human life here, shifting them with second best decisions because brokenness shackles parents in homes without hope and we function in survival.  And here we sit to watch.

But the end comes whether you're ready or not, no matter how hard you fought and how many bridges you burned to get here.  No matter how many documents signed that make me feel like a liar because there's not one word on those stacks of papers that I can justify, none of it is highest and best and not one word gives me peace.  It's a signature of notification when all I want to do is shred it with my hands and scream.  That paper says today is coming and here we sit.  We have learned when to fight hard before man and we have learned when to weep in silence.  And today we let you go.

Today you left us and it's harder than anything we've ever done.

I closed my eyes and remember so vividly, that winter day.  I will always remember walking out of that hospital with you.  The beauty and brokenness of leaving with a newborn that didn't grow safely in my belly.  Feeling the excitement, fear, and uncertainty of what was to come.  I heard the click as your carseat latched to the base, I leaned in over your tiny face and you opened your eyes for just a minute.  I came in closer and whispered to you I was right there, how I loved you, and that we were going home.

Our first night together, me and you, it was long and rough.  Your body trembled, you struggled to latch onto the bottle, we sat for hours trying to get you to swallow an ounce, maybe two.  How a tight swaddle and a close embrace was the only thing that kept you from screaming and becoming startled from the withdrawals.  Seemingly overnight how sensitive I became to the phrase "drug baby", how that term is used harmlessly but just as any label goes, it carries sadness and stigma.

You're not a stigma, you're His perfect workmanship, created for destiny.

You've been given a thousand kisses since the day we found you and you found us.  You've been held, rocked, and prayed over, sung to on soccer fields and swept away by little hands that just couldn't get enough of you.  You've listened to worship and felt tears over you, held in a hospital room when your body endured sickness you didn't ask for.  You've been the product of community of family and friends who adore you and welcomed you in.  Everyone knows your name and you're loved beyond measure.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude we were the ones who have had the esteemed honor and privilege of the every day, mundane routines of life with you.

I loved tiptoeing into your nursery each morning, singing to you until you stirred and opened your eyes.  I would wait for you and you would find my eyes.  Every diaper change, every feeding, doctor's appointment, and parent visit, an extension of love and sacrifice because you're worth it, this deep new love.
And we knew there would be a price to pay for this love, this relentless pursuit of your heart and your needs.  We knew today would come and it came fast.  The day I said, we said, and most people say, they just could never do because we just couldn't give them back.  The day that has come so quickly that we went through training for, were fingerprinted for, sat in the NICU for.  The unthinkable logistics of moving an infant, a life, from your care into someone else's, the unknown.

Today we said goodbye.  Those girls of yours, their hearts only needed a lasting image of you in mama's arms.  So they drank you in deep and said goodbye, they didn't want to let go.  Nothing in their hearts says it's highest and best, they don't understand...I'll be honest I'm not too far ahead of them.  They kissed you until your cheeks were wet with love, they hugged you hard and spoke life over you.  We drew you in close and waited.  Not too much longer did that state department car came down the hill.   We placed you in the car seat and watched you look around.  I leaned in over you and whispered to you I am here, I'm always going to be here.  Whether you're one, five or twenty.  I'll find you and you can come find me.  We watched you pull away until we couldn't see that car anymore.  Weakness and grief poured out in a doorway because legs can't stand and lungs can't breathe when babies leave and everything in you says right here with me is where he belongs.

Because we can't see you tonight at the dinner table and tomorrow morning we can't sing to you.  And I can't carry out the summer plans I made for you and you won't watch these little dancers on stage only to receive their applause and kisses afterwards.  Because in our home, you're the star, the king and you're seen and heard.  Little one, your Heavenly Father sees you.  And you are not a case number, a line up on a court docket.  You're not a statistic or a percentage on a chart somewhere.  You're my baby, you're our baby and you always will be.  While you were in her womb He knit you together perfectly and His shield about you brought the protection and provision you so desperately needed.  He saw you, He sees you today and He will always see you.

He is your good when everything around you is bad.

You are His Beloved and His delight.
You are an heir to the throne, the prince and son of the Most High King.
You are a blueprint, a perfectly stitched tapestry of the Maker whose plans for you are good.
You are marked with purpose and destiny, the calling on your life is great.
You will go and do far greater works than you'll ever ask or imagine.

I want to keep track of you, I want to follow you.  I want to develop the relationships necessary to keep that thread intact into your world.  And one day that thread may fade and even break.  One day I may lose you completely.
But my Brown Bear, He goes with you and He goes before you.  His nearness to you is your good, He will never leave you.  And your mama, I'll always be here.  And that house full of girls, on that winter day months ago, the ones who dropped backpacks and took off running into the house because they knew you were here...those little girls will always love you and you have and will change them forever.  And your daddy, that man whose voice made you light up and you melted into his arms, he will always be safe and ready to pick up a sword and carry a torch for you.

So tonight, our Brown Bear, we will wait on the Comforter for the nearness and healing only the Lord can bring.  Our greatest weakness and sadness for His glory, beyond desperate for His rescue.  Tonight I will beg for new mercies and joy in the morning because tomorrow I will remember what happened today.
Today we learned you are worth it, the cost is worth it, and one day to come, another little life will be worth it.  We will step back into our armor and wade back into these dark waters in this war I can't hardly bare to think about.  But not today and not tomorrow.  We said goodbye and a place in our family is empty, we need Him to come like He promises to do and fill it back up again.

O Lord, come and lift our heads and go before this baby like You promise You will do.  Raise him up to be a warrior, a torch carrier like his daddy, a bold proclaimer of who you are and what you've done.  Mark his life with identity so deeply rooted in Truth that come what may, he stands firm and remains upright before his King.  Love him more than we could ever comprehend and be with him because we can't.  Lord, be the vine that forever connects You to his heart because righteousness and holiness were the thing contended for.  Bring back some thirty, sixty, hundred fold every word spoken over him.  Grow that seed something strong and mighty, a little boy who will always hear Your whispers and one day, a man who fearlessly makes known Your name.

We love you Brown Bear and we always will.

O Lord you are the shield about me,
You're the glory and the lifter of my head.
Psalm 3:3