"For You O Lord are a shield about me, You are the glory and lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

"For You O Lord are a shield about me, You are the glory and lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

Monday, March 28, 2011

This Morning

There are mornings when I wake up and I know I'm going to miss my dad even more today.
This morning is one of those mornings.
Remembering being a little girl in his presence, trying to hide and contain my excitement when he arrived at my basketball games, playing horse in the driveway until it was so dark we couldn't see the net, laughing at his silly dad jokes, the smell of his cologne when I took his arm to walk down the isle.
It's still very early this morning and I know the day holds wave after wave of memories of him.  Because you see, that's what these mornings hold for me.  Sweetness.  My heart trying so hard to remember him and trying so hard not to forget anything.  Sometimes I feel like a little girl in a field chasing fireflies before they fly away.  I don't want to forget.

There's an old man at Panera that I stand behind every week and from behind, he looks like my dad.  Shorter, saggy pants, tiny body, usually a jacket, hands in his pocket, feet apart.  Some mornings I am certain it's him.  The encounter is a mixture of happiness, joy, and sadness and longing.  Some day I will tell this sweet old man he reminds me of someone special.  For now, I hope he's ahead of me in line so that I can think he looks like my dad and then allow my heart to remember and day dream about the years I had with him...only the good ones.

This morning is like the other mornings I have.  The mornings when I plead with the Lord to take my hopes and fears that my little ones don't know him and don't have that piece of their childhood I didn't have and was certain my children would find in my dad, grandpa.  I surrender to the Lord the dreams I had for my children to have with their grandpa and the aches I have when my oldest clings to other grandpas of her friends because she somehow knows she needs it.  The Lord is showing me I don't have to worry, He holds her in His hands and He'll take care of her and all of my lovelies...just like He does for me every day.
This morning I am reminded of the truth that He is a Father to the fatherless.  I know this is true, I know this replaceable love from Him.  Today, I need it in larger doses and the best part is...
this morning, I know He's there.

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