"For You O Lord are a shield about me, You are the glory and lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

"For You O Lord are a shield about me, You are the glory and lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Apron Strings

My girl wants to fly.  She loves the nest but doesn't require the gentle nudge to spread her wings and jump.
Instead, a steady pace of ebb and flow, channeling her independence and strong will, coupling it with response to authority and grace.

And mama untwining her apron strings to let her go.

Baby girl, my Rose, asked me to walk her in to school last week.  She had an agenda for me to see into her world.  Her ocean blue eyes delighted in my attention to her cuddling the classroom guinea pig, her coat hook, the fresh paint waiting on the table for imagination and little hands.

This morning was different.
Do you want me to walk you in?
She answered, No Mommy, I want to wait in the line of cars for my teacher to come and get me.
As much as I wanted to twirl my apron strings around my fingers and pull her in just a bit, I heard the Lord gently whisper to me...
Honor her words.  Honor her choice.  Don't push your agenda or desire on her.  In this little moment, let go.
She responded and I must accept her answer.
Okay sweetie.  
I replied with tears in my eyes.  She happily glanced out the window, not knowing the dialogue taking place in my heart.
The strings unraveled a little.

Boo went to school for the first time.

She's been waiting for this backpack, to carry it and show me just how big she is.
I know you are, sweet one, I know.

We didn't do mother's day out or anything else until now.  I wasn't sure how it would pan out.
She walked right in without a glance back at me.  She was just fine.
And I was the mom standing at the door watching her go into the classroom and getting the empathetically kind glance from the teacher of Mama-it's-time-for-you-to-leave...like, now.
I held it together and walked back to my car.   
When I came to pick her up, I skipped through the parking lot...okay I ran.  I couldn't wait to get to her.
Sister was happy to see me, but I know she wanted to stay just the same.
Little bird, waiting for her turn.

The littlest one.

She's weaning herself.  Nursing is a chapter coming to a close in the next few weeks.  She's starting to crawl in her own way, her own time.  I've fought the spirit of comparison when babies younger than her blaze around the floor because they have perfected crawling to an art.  Day after day, we work on the floor, gently nudging her to keep trying.
This morning, she went on her own without my help or encouragement.  A few inches of crawling.
In her own little way, the apron strings are shifting.  

Even though these little moments of them unraveling the strings are necessary and normal, the mama still has some tears.  They crave their space and independence, and when it's safe, I give into their pleas and bless their trickling out of the nest.
Each in her own way.
with Kristen, best. neighbor. ever.
I love it.

It makes me love and welcome the sticky peanut butter and jelly hugs from little hands even more.  And say yes more than no.  To be present and let go of the rest.
One day they will fly away from this nest, all strings will be severed, and they will set off for all that He has for them.

For now, my tired body moves out of bed in the middle of the night, to slide in next to a sweet, sleeping body and stroke her hair.  Whisper to her how my heart is soaked in love for her.  How she's just perfect.  How I can't wait for her to wake up and hear her raspy little voice and kiss her puffy sleepy eyes.

And maybe, when she's not watching, I will come early to school, to pick her up and watch her.  Hear her laughter as she runs from place to place on the playground.
My heart skips a beat when her blues catch mine, and she runs towards me, saying my name in a way that melts my heart into a mess of deep rooted love, a heart simmered in adoration.

My heart swells.
 And my heart is full.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Megan! Tears were definitely in my eyes as I truly read and re read your beautiful words! You have such a gift for expressing your love for your three amazing beautiful girls! Letting go is so so so hard!!!! But...you handle it so beautifully! Every time I read your blog I just can't help but think HOW LUCKY YOUR GIRLS ARE! they will just cherish reading this when they get older! It is just the best gift you can give them!