Example, Christmas. It's February and I'm just now looking through Christmas pictures. Oh happy day. I will repeat this offense for the years to come. I will marvel, laugh and cry and look back on a sweet holiday months later.
But back to being completely scattered.
I've been doing a lot of reading, books and blogs, articles. A book on instilling gratitude in kids for doing chores, how to raise strong women, articles on women in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The latter wrecked me for a bit. Doing some light research on neurological issues for my girl, although I'm certain one day my Bella is going to walk out of all of this. Sister has been working hard now in therapy twice a week and my girl rocks it. Doing some more testing on her, ruling out things and teaching her the every day little things I once took for granted. How to sit up, how to pull up, how to squat, how to walk. She amazes me. There's enough real emotion and things going on, as with all of us, to pull you right back down to reality. The moments when you realize the laundry piles don't matter, life is precious and there's 4 little treasures sleeping upstairs who need to know who they are, who He's called them to be, and what it looks like to chase after their destiny fiercely.
But then the other ball drops and the laundry really does need to be folded because they need clean pajamas and socks for school. See what I mean? Scattered.
So for today, in this hour the things I'm thinking about are my lack of grace and patience this week as a mom. Well let's just go ahead and throw in the last month. I feel like being a mom carries weight and responsibility differently than most jobs do. I'm certain there are harder jobs, jobs where lives are at stake, jobs that determine the course of time and shape history.
But for the moment, I want to throw the role of a mom into that category. Because those little sausages as my friend Daena calls them, those little ones are high currency. I've heard it said we have Timothy's, Deborah's, and David's sleeping under our roofs. A different pressure of my mistakes although covered in grace and forgiven, the stakes are high.
Lately, I've slipped into this quick irritation and frustration when my girls, particularly my oldest daughter makes mistakes. She doesn't always know her place, she's the oldest so expectation is placed on her subconsciously, by me, by her, by others. But then again that 3 year old crazy lady of mine is a repeat offender. She can disobey, have consequences, and before I've even had a second to sip the cup of coffee now cold from sitting on the counter too long, she's back at the same thing again. I feel like parenting in their failures is repetitive to the point that I think I could record myself saying the same 100 things over and over, just press play and they'd hear it no differently.
Lovely place of parenting I've been operating from. Sheesh. And how sweet and faithful He is to meet me in my weakness. Over and over again.
For me, my life is the repeated failures of the same things I choose to do over and over.
What is the Lord's response?
And what is my response in her failure communicate? Does it articulate an alignment with His character or does my irritated, weak, tired flesh rule from a quickly tapped place of frustration?
My time in the secret place meant for receiving His affection and equipping for yet another day with entrusted treasure is crucial. It's the only place I can find rest for my soul and catch a glimpse, some days a taste of the waters and pastures the caverns of my heart need most.
And so today we press on. We braid hair while they eat breakfast, we make lunches, change diapers, run carpools, settle arguments. We clap in dance lobbies and soon, soccer fields. We prepare dinner, wipe noses, help with homework. Bathe little grimy bodies, sing songs, read books, kiss tired foreheads and tuck them in tight. Asking for forgiveness along the way and laying down at night only to receive our own grace to rise again the next day and do it all over again.
Because the calling is worth it.
They are worth it.
And I'll be a little late for all of it. And scattered. And holding a cup of cold coffee.